so, we have pushed fast-forward on the metaphorical remote control that is my life.
around sixteen weeks have passed since the estranged and i decided to end things and go out separate ways.
sixteen weeks of learning how to participate in the daily rituals that i have spent so many years doing as part of a duo, on my own. cooking, cleaning, paying bills, fixing things, shopping, seeing friends, making cups of tea... it is so strange, you don't really think about how much of an imprint someone else has laid on your life until that person is gone.
and while chris hasn't OFFICIALLY been gone, he's not been HERE, as it were. his head's been elsewhere.
then whole experience has served as a very serious wake-up call for me. despite chris's very regular harassment throughout the course of our relationship, i would never, EVER heed caution to the things he said... that i was childish, unhealthy and selfish. it's true. i am. i have now seen these things shining at me and have taken action to immediately correct them. it feels as though, through the ash that has settled from the horrific fire that burned everything in my life at the start of the separation, i have emerged as this creature... this creature that is strong, fairly with-it and capable of taking care of herself. i never knew i possessed these tools and i guess what it took what that push over the edge to help me see. i love these tools and would now never trade them for anything.
between chris and me, the last sixteen weeks have been a horrific mixture of hellish moods, tears, shouting matches and so, SO much pain. it is out of the desperation of emotion that comes some of the most horrible words and opinions... things you never, ever expected someone you had been so close to to say.
it has been a really tough road but the last couple of miles in this journey have offered a fabulous array of scenery and rest-stops. the last two weeks have been so indescribably nice.he and i have talked... and i mean really talked, something i didn't see us ever doing again, not after some of the mud that had been slung. we've talked about his fears of moving on, my fears of america, the muffin, man face, love, music, films and my suspension. it has been like we are friends again and we are finally allowed to communicate beyond angry grunts and flipping each other off. he's cried, i've listened and there has been an overwhelming sense of calm.
so, here we are today, monday... seven days until he is officially out of the house. he's more-or-less packed everything of his and i look around the house and see all the missing pieces... the indeterminate metal thing i had gotten so used to smiling at on the mantlepiece in the lounge, the gaps on the bookshelves in the dining room that used to house terry pratchett and asimov, the space on the kitchen counter where his stereo used to live, his shelf in the bathroom where all his boy-related toiletries resided. all these pieces that i always took so much for granted and now i know i will miss. like, i won't miss CHRIS, but just his existence. he's been here for me for the last seven years. he and i have cohabited for almost six years and to have that suddenly stripped from you is alarming and can leave you a little spun-out.
in one week i will have another person in my house. a stranger. a girl. i'm not saying i'm not excited about having someone new in the house, i'm... uhhhh... reserved. i've lived with chris for SO LONG now. chris and nobody else. i've learned everything about how he bumbles around the house and what habits he partakes in and what things he does and doesn't like.... i don't want to have to learn that about anybody else. not right now anyways.
i think the most special thing that has come out of all of this is my sense of freedom. i feel so comfortable and free to be me and love everything and everyone i want without fear of scrutiny. i can go and hang out with pow pow all i want without having to worry about what shape of argument i will have when i get home. i can listen to gogol bordello exceedingly loud for the fifth time in one day without having a judgmental gaze cast upon me. i can do what i want now. i am free to be danie and do what i want. i feel so free and so happy at this moment and it's all thanks to the horror that is called a 'divorce.'
thank you divorce gods, for making my live better and happier than i imagined it could be.
- Divorce: Day 115