blinking lights and other revelations

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you will always be my best friend...
meh
starbutcher
16/09/09

i just can't do this anymore... i feel like there is this constant drain that is sucking the life out of me and i just need that energy so much. i can't afford to lose it.

there are so many things i am terrified of. what if i go through  with all of this and i lose all of my friends? what will i do about money? where will i live?

i am slowing starting to 'nest' or perhaps the better word is 'de-nest'... trying to figure out what i need to do and what my options are.

it started yesterday. after many prods toward calling them, i did. i was terrified when they answered. none of the websites tell you how to approach it or what to say...

my voice immediately trembled and i wanted to hang up... wanted to just pretend i had never called. instrad, i told them i didn't know what to say and that i needed help.

he listened and suggested i ring someone else... gave me another number to ring.

i rang the number and repeated what i had said to the other person... she said i'd have to come in and get my advice. my first instinct was to tell her 'thanks, but no thanks.' i didn't want this to last any longer than a five-, maybe ten-minute phone call. i wasn't ready to have to bathe, get dressed and go allow someone to see my puffy, weepy face. not unless that someone was going to be willing to meet my high emotional demands alongside providing me with the essential information i was requesting.

as luck would have it, once i had finished my speil, the woman placed me on hold and returned to advise me that i did not need to come in and i was completely safe and had nothing to worry about.

the instant i put the phone down it began. i sobbed like i have never sobbed before. i wailed an cried until the sleeves of my robe were almost completely soaked through. i have no idea why i was sobbing... i just kept on.

******************************************************************************

three days later and here i am... alone, but not alone. after a lot of arguments yesterday just came over as a wave of calm and we sat together and talked. talked like normal people... he said he loved me still but wanted to feel loved in return. said that he could look past a lot of things but he needed to feel loved back. i told him i have no energy for that. i have become this independent, slightly selfish creature that really shouldn't be in a relationship anymore. he nodded and i immediately felt lost. felt like i had been transported into some strange house and didn't know what to do.

we discussed what we would do... how we would work this out... the entire time just feeling lost. quite scared and lonely. i wanted to run away, i wanted to lie down, i wanted to have a cuddle, i wanted to take a bath. we would keep living together as long as it felt right. he'd move to the other bedroom and we'd watch telly together tonight.

nobody tells you how it's meant to work... what you're meant to do. he had his right off within twenty minutes and was on the phone asking his parents for money. i knew at that instant that i had to be out of the house. i couldn't deal with hearing that. i wasn't quite ready.

i called hannah and packed a bag. her and dave came to get me and i just cried. it's like any other ability or coping mechanism i had learned throughout my lifetime had been stripped away and all i remembered was how to cry.

the instant i arrived at hannah's i began to chain smoke. that seemed like the only option for the evening. crying and chain smoking. in the middle of my third fag i got a terrible sense of awful in my stomach. my 'friend hat' came on and i felt horrible for leaving him alone. knew that i wouldn't want to be alone, so why should i force him to be alone?

after a great deal of apologising to han and dave, i called a taxi and went to the shop to get a snack. i hate that i am probably the only person that knows what things he loves to eat when he's in a snacking mood.

the taxi delivered me home and i gave him his tasty treats... a diet coke and a star bar. we watched telly and talked. just talked like friends. talked about when we would get a divorce and how we wanted to go about it... talked about what things we would want to take when we did finally decide to move out. it was calm, constructive and overall okay.

when bed time came he went into his room and cried. that's the one thing i was most terrified to hear. i HATE hearing him cry. i HATE it when he's hurting so much that he cries. i went in and held him. told him we'll be okay. that this will be the best for both of us eventually.

and here we are today. i feel horrible and broken and really, unbelievably empty. nobody could ever prepare you for this feeling. it is like i'm in the ocean and i have been pulled under by a giant wave. the pressure and fear and pain is so unbelievable. i have never felt pain like this before in my entire life. no amount of tattoos, of wisdom teeth extractions, stretched ears or cut knees could ever EVER add up to this.... nothing.

here's hoping it all works out okay and i make it through this. right now it really doesn't feel like i will.

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Oh hon I'm so so sorry, I hope writing all this out helped you a bit. Be strong, I know you are.

Don't be afraid, my beast. You aren't doing this to be malicious, with an intention to hurt Husband, or for any reason but that this is what needs to be happening now for you to feel right. This is a chapter in your life that you need to write.
Of anyone I've ever known, you've always been the most self aware & I don't doubt for a second that this decision didn't just pop into your head one morning. You've pondered this; you've considered all the options; and this is what you've come down to.

The worst part is all the "what ifs," and all that's unknown... and yet, at the same time, you know that this is what needs to be happening right now, and it really, truly, can only get better from here.

One breath at a time. One step at a time. Slow, slow, slow.

I wish I was there ♥

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