starbutcher

• talking about my problems with health professionals... work has been really supportive of the junk i've been going through and with the aim of finding better ways to support me they have referred me to the Occupational Health Department of our Trust. the referral was actually made in August, but it took that long for them to get me in... since my appointment i have gotten 'better' and then fallen apart. walking to my appointment yesterday i was pensive... unsure of what they would want to talk about and what they would suggest. after ambling around the new wings of the hospital for ages trying to find where my appointment was meant to take place i finally found it and sat down. sat and felt like everyone was staring at me... knew that i was some dishevelled creature that was likely to fall apart at any moment. i was called into the office and she was lovely. asked how my physical health was (okay), how work was (bearable) and then asked how my home life was... i paused... instantly became weepy and said that i was going to cry. i find it easier to warn people that i'm going to cry than to just burst out with it. she listened as i told her i was getting a divorce and that i felt like my life was falling apart. listened patiently as i told her my depression was worse every day and that i was thinking morbid thoughts again. listened as i told her that i had no appetite or desire to anything at all anymore. she asked how work was and i told her it was okay bar satankim. in the end she said that it wasn't going to be easy (!) but i would get through it in time and that she was pleased to see that i was still going to work. i have an appointment with my consultant monday which i am looking forward to... Miss Occupational Health said she thinks the doctor will put me on stronger anti-depressants, but that i should keep going to work and take more breaks if i need them. keep my mind occupied.
• magnetic fields... no music in the world makes me happier than them. i literally cannot get enough of them at the moment. all i want to do constantly is listen to their lyrics and remember feeling the things their lyrics say.
• cupcakes... again with the cupcakes! i have had an order for 100 cupcakes, paid. i was reluctant to take the offer at first but decided preoccupying my mind would be the best thing for me. i baked a batch of my finest confections sunday and marched to a pub in town to meet up with the patrons so they could try them. needless to say, they loved them, so we drew up a plan for what would come to be the 100 cakes that will be served at their wedding. i am incredibly excited to make these... they will be so beautiful... photos WILL occur AND blow your mind.
• david sedaris... so, despite my allegiance to mister burroughs, i have now read all of his memoirs, so i was forced to read someone else's. luckily i chose someone who is fairly similar.... not GREAT, but similar. he writes very witty, fun stories that make me yearn for my own childhood again. what is it with me and gay memoirists?
• having the bed to myself... oh yes. the best thing to come out of this divorce is the fact that i get the entire bed to myself all night, every night. granted, i do miss having a human-furnace on the particularly cold nights, but i LOVE that i can sprawl anywhere and everyone on the bed.

Nobody said it was going to be easy and I never really estimated that it would be easy… but I had never expected to feel the way I do.

The multitude of films I have watched in my lifetime have always depicted a divorce as being this horrible, ugly thing that goes on featuring lots of solicitors, arguments and misery. They were always portrayed as these giant things that left each party completely devastated emotionally and financially.

Mine is noticeably lacking.

The Butcher Divorce of ’09 will not involve solicitors and really feels okay.

I feel like I am living my life at the moment with a fresh existence. People keep telling me, ‘Dan, you seem like you’re in your own little world,’ and I really am. The whole time I’ve been in England I’ve always been part of this existence that was not singular. My existence was part of a duo… now though, I am solo and my world just feels new and special. It sounds silly but I feel almost like a toddler who is experiencing all the parts of everyday life for the first time. All the music I hear, all the places I go, all the smells I whiff… they are new and I am able to experience them in a more liberated and unique way.

It all feels very magical… magical and slightly frightening still. Six days on and I still feel like I have a big, fat, wet duvet wrapped around me which is both sheltering me from all external things and providing me with a sense of comfort that is stopping me from doing a great deal of moving.

I don’t want to though… at the moment I want to just walk around and experience everything again. Learn about living again.

The only part of me that is finding this hard is the fact that I am losing Chris…. Not Husband, but Chris. The person who knows me better than anybody else in the world… the person who I can talk to about anything… I am losing a friendship that I thought we were going to strive not to lose. He is passing up opportunities to hang out with me so he can go out and do things that he refused to do before last Friday. He’s completely changing and I hate it… I hate it because I don’t want to have to change. I want to stay danie and… well… I don’t know. I guess I couldn’t just expect that everything would just go on as normal… there had to come a time when we would become estranged, I just didn’t expect it to be so soon. I expected a bit of grief on his part… a little more tenderness… a little more something.

One of the things I was most worried about was losing friends… I am under no illusion that there will be friends that become Chris’s and some that become mine because they have known one of us either longer or better throughout the last five years… I’ve made my peace with the fact that I will most likely not see Mark or Lester very often and have also settled on the fact that I get to keep Powers and Vic as a minimum… the ones I worried about, the big ones are Goncalves, Claire, Mark and Jane. Those are my big four that I was and am worried about. Goncalves has met up with both of us and said that he will not pledge allegiance for either side, which is comforting…

We had a stupendous night out Tuesday which saw us seemingly participating in an episode of some smutty docu-drama. Arrival at the pub went through like any other arrival at any other pub… sit, have a fag, and have a pint and chat. When the weather became to bitter we retired to the sofas indoors and became immediately aware of the fact that nearly everyone there was a serial killer, a sex fiend, circus freak or paedophile. The first inkling was a slightly disabled dwarf who I instantaneously fell in love with. He was tiny and wearing a little red tie and I just wanted to cuddle him. In the far corner of the pub we were privy to a fabulous domestic between an elderly man and a young miscreant. Skulking through the entirety of the pub was a gentleman who bore a very uncanny resemblance to Mark ‘chopper’ Reid. He appeared to either want to make an immediate BFF or start a huge fight. He repeatedly bought himself pints (without having finished his last) and dragged his multitude of pound shop bags from his table in the middle of the pub to his designated smoking section outside… I wanted to ask him for his list but john would not allow me to become involved.

The piece de resistance of the entire evening was situated directly in front of our line of sight. From the moment we sat down we couldn’t help but notice a particularly amorous couple standing an adjacent table. She was a fairly large female and he was a small, gangly creature who appeared to have just exited either a prison or mental asylum. They were kissing and rubbing like he was about to begin or had just finished a long stay in the army. As the minutes drew on it became more and more vigorous… we ordered food and talked about my impending divorcee status. Just as the food arrived the heavy petting moved up a notch that involved a great deal of skin exposure and breast-grabbing. About halfway through our chips and assorted condiments I glanced up and immediately clutched john’s arm and snorted. I said he needed to look at the lovers now so as to not miss the special moment I had just become a part of. We both looked again to find that the progression led to the only reliable place, which, unfortunately for us, involved his hand down the front of her pants. After about three minutes of serious rubbing and excited back arches the excitement of our chips had worn off and I went to the bar to inform the staff that a snuff film was being acted out in the front of the pub. He was mostly delighted and was only slightly less disappointed to see that they had finished by the time we returned from the bar.

If only to add insult to injury, the young Casanova went to the toilet, presumably to have a wank and she left. Literally just walked out of the pub and left her drink. Upon his return, john and I pieced together that perhaps he assumed she had gone to the toilet and therefore waited for a half hour, then walked out with his tail between his legs.

I can now safely say that I will be fine going through this divorce as there is no way any divorce, job or illness could be more stressful than what I witnessed that night.

I went to the cinema last night, which was nice but awful at the same time. Nice because I got to see Pow Pow and got to have dinner with him and generally hang out. We talked about stuff and how he coped with a similar situation and it really helped me to gain some perspective on what I’m putting myself through. He’s just such a fantastical creature. But the film… OMG the film… we were torn prior to our arrival at the cinema, unsure of what particular emotions we wanted our choice to inflict upon us… in the end, it was a toss up between ‘Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs’ and ‘(500) Days of Summer.’ The only real way to settle this was a coin toss and I won, ‘Cloudy’ it would be… until the instant we got up to the counter Alastair changed his mind and wanted to see ‘(500).’

Literally, if you recently have been, are in the middle of or want to break up, don’t watch this film. It was just unbelievable. The film itself was outrageously beautiful and quirky and I fell in love within the first sixty seconds. The soundtrack is perfect. The actors were glorious and the art in it was amazing… but jesus… just the raw, horrid emotion that it trudges up left both of us in tears by the end. I was particularly bad when ‘At Last’ played, leaving me in a giant puddle of weep. Alastair immediately recognised this as the song I walked down the aisle to and gave me a cheeky arm rub.

Walking out I said it was a mistake to watch that film and he said he didn’t think so…. That right now it may not feel okay, but eventually I will come through it and that film really could help.

Meh.

Going to London this weekend!! I am literally more excited than I have ever been for anything in my life ever. Just getting away would be fine, but I am going to get pampered, tattooed, fed, cuddled, drunked and so much more… I’m going to go to the zoo and cuddle the animals behind the scenes, go to Camden and buy delights, meet someone I’ve only ever really spoken to on the internetz, find the only surviving photobooth in London, go to a cakeshop where I’ll buy and eat many cakes from and watch more telly than anyone ever. I really need this weekend, so… YAY!

• having the house to myself! yeah. husband is away for a few days, so i've had the house to myself. it's just lovely to be able to exist in the house alone and not have to worry about someone coming in and interrupting my fifth film of the day in my pants or something like that. alas, he returns tomorrow, which should be fun or horrific. mostly horrific i reckon.
• hannah! she is just the most fabulous, lovely, supportive friend i could ever have at the moment. she gives cuddles that allow me to shut out the rest of the world and really just tells me how it is. i loves her so mucho.
• the amount of emails i've been getting about my creations! literally, i get like three a day from people just telling me how great i am. it really is just so uplifting and helpful, especially when i've been having such a downer lately.
• movie dates! yesterday was just what i needed. alastair and i went to lunchies and despite original plans, got to spend the evening together with my homemade brownies (!), bacon sandwiches, chocolate milk (banana for him), talk of what we'd do with our lotto winnings, an array of films and my alastair. i just love days when i can slug around and not have to feel any kind of emotional crap... just sit and eat and drink. the day was made especially special because we had a series of fabulous conversations that really put my mind where it needed to be and made it possible for me to joke about some of the things that i've been going through. it was either that or cry... which i try to keep from doing.
• going to bed earlier than anyone ever! every so often i love to get a sneaky early night in... and when i say 'early night,' i mean like, half eight. i love to just get myself nestled into bed with a book and my DS and snuggle in bed until i can barely keep my eyes open (ETA: 9:00pm)
• getting letters from lee lee! i HATED seeing him go. i loves him so much and the night i told him i'd stand by him no matter what he decided to do, i honestly didn't believe he would run away to Cambridge and leave me behind. alas, he has been gone for almost two months and the piece of my heart that went missing when he left is being re-built via post. i sent him my first letter a few weeks ago and got his at the end of last week... i sent him another letter today which i am more excited than anything ever for him to receive as i spent a VERY long time drawing up the letter and envelope.
• Eleanor! eleanor is a creature that i met at a cinema date with jaacq and pow pow. she is made up of beautiful hairs and a long neck. she moved to London yesterday to pursue fashion studies and i HATE that we only met like, three weeks before she left as she is a really, incredibly lovely person. i plan to visit her during my next janeyvisit (which takes place in two weeks!!). she is in love with baking like me and wants to learn my tips as i do hers. gah she is just a big, beautiful lovely that i wish i had met sooner. it seems like a lot of those creatures are coming in and out of my life lately.

I have just gotten so tired of the fact that most of my friendships are more-or-less one-sided. I put a lot of time and energy into all of my friendships only to find myself exhausted at the end of the day with nothing to show for it but a knackered phone bill and an empty facebook wall. It sounds stupid, but I am sick of people just taking all I have to give and then shutting down when I’ve gotten tired. People don’t call ME. I am almost always the one doing the calling, texting, planning, etc. It makes me feel like some saddo because I have no friends who care enough to ask ME when I want to hang out next… and very few friends who will come to MY house to watch films or whatnot. I hate that even what I consider to be my closest friends have only been to my house like, three times when I’ve been to theirs more than fifty. Why do I always have to be the one to put in the legwork? Why am I always the one who has to make the effort to make our friendship something worth having?

People tell me ‘oh dan, you are just such a good friend!’ you’re damn right I am! What else could you call a mug who enables you to never leave your house and asks ‘how high’ when you say ‘jump?’ I hate that so many of my friendships are like this. I wonder sometimes if I were to stop, would they notice… probably not… I’m just tired and want a break. I want someone to come to MY house to watch films or do crafts… I want someone to make ME things. I want someone to buy ME cakes!

Eh.

-end-

• beggars that try to bargain with you... so, true story, on my way home this afternoon a tramp came up to me and we acted out the following scenario...

• fictional books that are set somewhere you know... i am currently reading a book that is set in derby. it's about a serial killer and all that jazz, but it is just so exciting to have the author talking about all the places i go on a regular basis... places he has mentioned so far are markeaton mark, the eagle centre, normanton, uttoxeter new road and darley park. yay!
• the fact that i got ANOTHER email from augusten burroughs! yeah, that's right, he wrote me again. he wrote to apologize for not writing back sooner and saying that he is working on his list. yayz!
• THE radio... so, after four days of painstaking work and learning to embroider, i have finished the radio for alastair's photocomic. i love this radio more than anything i have ever made. SO excited to show it to pow pow tomorrow. he will weep.

• getting blood drawn... i don't know why, but i have always loved it... i love the waiting and the nervousness when you are sat in that chair whilst the nurse prepares the needles and then when you realize it doesn't hurt nearly as much as you thought it would.
• popping my neck... particularly when lots of people are around to hear it and become suitably disgusted.
• waiting to see what someone has planned for me... there were big plans for my day off monday. i baked, busted my bum to finished that radio and, obviously had the day off... this was mostly all in aid of spending the day working with ali and watching films... it had been planned for a period and as i had not heard anything from him, i assumed all things were go. i then got the text of doom on sunday evening saying that he could not do it and would make it up to me... said making up will be taking place tomorrow (friday) evening. watch this space.
• the way wasps legs dangle when they are flying around.
• the smell of lavender.
• the fact that it is thursday.
• spam.
• how stable i feel now.
• planning movie dates with people.
• the fact that i will get to see jaacq AND alastair's new videos tuesday! yay!
• ordering stationery.
• going to meetings.
• when my nails get really long.
• when i dream about someone i haven't seen or heard from in a long while.
• CHINESE BUNS!
• finishing a project.
• discovering new music.
• the history of prypiat, ukraine.

• film evenings with friends... i had a film evening last night that was fabulous. it is always nice to get together with friends and just hang out. i baked, we watched films and freshly-baked cookies were consumed in unbelievable amounts. 
• diet coke... despite my many vendettas against this beverage, i have gaineda  lot of weight and need to shift it. that isn't going to happen when i am drinking like, four regular cokes a day. so i am all about the diet coke at the moment.
• not actually doing work at work... i love it when i can be sneaky and do things that aren't work related at work. 
• getting praise for things i have done... who doesn't love a bit of love?
• watching the departure of the drama trains... this, i find particularly fun. cheyenne used to be a regular stop for the drama train, so i was never at a loss for dramatic things going on (someone pregnant, someone deleting someone else on facebook, etc.). since i've been in england there has been a real downturn in the drama in my life. it's fun sometimes to justwatch that train come in, crash and burn and pull the few cars it can forward to the next stop. i don't fuel it so much as just watch and get answers when i worry that someone i love is lying or being hurt, but still, it's fun.
• watching music videos from my childhood.... omg yes! i went through my old youtube favourites and it was delightful. lots of selena and reba. yay!

• four bands will be playing, the line-up being alastair (solo!), husband's band, hell death fury (a really stupendous band that is made up of fabulous creatures from chris's home town) and the dust collectors (a local amazingband).
• one freaking hysterical comedy duo
• the most epic cupcakes ever to have come out of my kitchen
• handmade gifts to be given out to 25 lucky guests
• everyone will be in fancy dress

• fenstermacker
• beeman
• scharff
• hislop
• mcnaboe

• we are quite short on money and would thusly be stuck doing VERY cheap or free things.
• chris had had enough of his parents and worried that if we were to go down and spend much more time with them he might kill one of them or himself.
• there was a chance that my doctor's appointment would have resulted in me being put on new medication, which wouldn't have been a great deal of fun in a new house and around lots of new/not-so-familiar people.
• we had a substantial number of fishy deaths which left us worrying for john's sanity in taking care of them whilst we were away.

• my very first PAID cupcake job! one of my friends has asked me to bake 50 cakes for a little party she is having for her chorale group. i has an excited. it all feels very official and like something i want to make sure i keep doing for a very long time.
• i am getting to help one of my friends on a short film today and tomorrow. today was just a short day of waiting around, helping set up the set and stuff, but tomorrow will be MUCH more fun and will involve me arriving at the set for seven in the morning and being the wardrobe girl for the two actors. i will be in charge of making sure their costumes are consistent and perfect at all times. i will be doing this until eight at night and them coming home to sleep for OMGbakingfuntime!
• stuffing liam! our guinea pig died last week and whilst it was a sad loss, i am very excited to have my first chance to attempt taxidermy. yay!
• book my tickets for my next trip to janeytown! **scree**

• cat power
• watching the fish
• hollyoaks
• feeling important
• ice in my drink on a hot day
• ice lollies
• doughnuts
• taxidermy
• sleeping in (which i may be able to do again, one day)
• the last video of michael jackson rehearsing
• computer games
• knowing that i can now knit, despite being stupidly slow
• my crocheted phone!
• going through old playhouse wardrobe rooms
• john goncalves
• jarvis cocker

• the science of sleep! fuck me this is a fabulously beautiful film! i watched it a couple of weeks ago with powers and to be honest, i am still shocked that i didn't put this on my list ages ago. the film is a mix of french and english and just the most beautiful set design and scriptwork. i can't believe what a magical film this was. it was obviously made all the better with ice cream, powers, hannah and blue hair dye. if you watch this film, try and make it as magical as possible for you... things that can assist you in achieving this include, but are not limited to the following... clotted cream ice cream, a good friend, a craft to work on, some fluffy cushions, a mobile on silent, a glass of your favourite beverage and comments that will be remind you of a fabulous afternoon each time you watch it from then on.
  
• telly time with husband! husband has decided to grace me with his presence more often this last week in the shape of watching several films and programmes with me. we have consumed such gems as Doomsday (which is made of a small bit of fail), the Machinist (which was surprisingly delightful with its imagry and twist which, by the way, i figured out BEFORE the end of the film, which is nice!), Mum and Dad (which is also made of fail, but fun in the horrible imagery), Butcher Boy (which is fabulous! i bought the film solely based on the cover and it totally didn't disappoint!) and Inside Nature's Giants (which was a documentary filming the dissection of an elephant. holy wow they has amazing intestines!). it has been really nice to spend time with him. because i am an emotional trainwreck at the moment, it has been nice to spend time together that does not feature me crying or being arsey.
  
• CHALLIS!! she is a beautious creature that i want to fold up, put in my pocket and keep with me for always. saturday was the first time her and i hung out like, for reals and it was just lovely. we have a lot in common and she loves my cupcakes and we can just talk and talk and talk. i heartz hers so muchz!
  
• CUPCAKES!!!! OMG i made the greatest cupcakes evar this last weekend. they were just the most beautifully perfect, tasty, colourful cupcakes ever in the world. every batch i make is better than the last and gets me one step closer to starting my wee home-based business.

• the fact that we have a fish that sulks like a baby when we clean his tank! chikatilo (to be known as chik from now on) is our newest and most fabulous fish. he is an oscar who was a bit of an impulse buy but has ended up making a beautifuly lovely talking and viewing point in our dining room. all of that is beside the point though. what i am here to talk about is the fact that, as a species, oscars tend to 'play dead' or 'sulk' when they feel frightened. chik is no different. every single time we clean his tank he falls into deep sulk-mode which tends to prompt husband and me to shout to one another 'OMG is he totally dead? should we just throw him in the bin?!' which, of course, is all in jest as we are aware that he is living if only because he still moves his eyes around. sunday when i cleaned the tank was no different, as he immediately 'died.' i thought it would be fun to see what he would do if i covered him in gravel, which led to him just lying there looking as though he had been tucked in for a good night's sleep. he is most definitely the most precious of precious men.
  
• the fact that husband is building a bike for me! that's right, danie will maybe be mobile in a faster way soon. ever since husband got his new bike he has been harassing me to start riding his old bike which i insist is far too large for me. i am still insistent that it is too large for me but i am being persuaded by the fact that he tossed lots of pots of paint in front of me and demanded i choose what colour i want it. since then he has completely taken the bike apart, sanded, cleaned and painted it. he is, at this very moment outside slathering it in silver paint which will no doubt make the flapper pink-ness of it even better.
  
• ROSEANNE! so, i have now downloaded every single episode ever of roseanne and have been consuming it in small doses. i will never, ever be able to get over how nostalgic and happy this show makes me. i have been trying to watch it with husband but he really doesn't get it. i suspect this is either due to the fact that he is not american or because his mum was not an exact replica of roseanne.
  
• the new eels album! which is just the greatest, most special album ever. i mean, how can you not love an album that has a song with lyrics like the following...