blinking lights and other revelations

for you


Divorce: Day 115
littering your mind
starbutcher
so, we have pushed fast-forward on the metaphorical remote control that is my life.


around sixteen weeks have passed since the estranged and i decided to end things and go out separate ways.


sixteen weeks of learning how to participate in the daily rituals that i have spent so many years doing as part of a duo, on my own. cooking, cleaning, paying bills, fixing things, shopping, seeing friends, making cups of tea... it is so strange, you don't really think about how much of an imprint someone else has laid on your life until that person is gone.


and while chris hasn't OFFICIALLY been gone, he's not been HERE, as it were. his head's been elsewhere.


then whole experience has served as a very serious wake-up call for me. despite chris's very regular harassment throughout the course of our relationship, i would never, EVER heed caution to the things he said... that i was childish, unhealthy and selfish. it's true. i am. i have now seen these things shining at me and have taken action to immediately correct them. it feels as though, through the ash that has settled from the horrific fire that burned everything in my life at the start of the separation, i have emerged as this creature... this creature that is strong, fairly with-it and capable of taking care of herself. i never knew i possessed these tools and i guess what it took what that push over the edge to help me see. i love these tools and would now never trade them for anything.


between chris and me, the last sixteen weeks have been a horrific mixture of hellish moods, tears, shouting matches and so, SO much pain. it is out of the desperation of emotion that comes some of the most horrible words and opinions... things you never, ever expected someone you had been so close to to say.


it has been a really tough road but the last couple of miles in this journey have offered a fabulous array of scenery and rest-stops. the last two weeks have been so indescribably nice.he and i have talked... and i mean really talked, something i didn't see us ever doing again, not after some of the mud that had been slung. we've talked about his fears of moving on, my fears of america, the muffin, man face, love, music, films and my suspension. it has been like we are friends again and we are finally allowed to communicate beyond angry grunts and flipping each other off. he's cried, i've listened and there has been an overwhelming sense of calm.


so, here we are today, monday... seven days until he is officially out of the house. he's more-or-less packed everything of his and i look around the house and see all the missing pieces... the indeterminate metal thing i had gotten so used to smiling at on the mantlepiece in the lounge, the gaps on the bookshelves in the dining room that used to house terry pratchett and asimov, the space on the kitchen counter where his stereo used to live, his shelf in the bathroom where all his boy-related toiletries resided. all these pieces that i always took so much for granted and now i know i will miss. like, i won't miss CHRIS, but just his existence. he's been here for me for the last seven years. he and i have cohabited for almost six years and to have that suddenly stripped from you is alarming and can leave you a little spun-out.



in one week i will have another person in my house. a stranger. a girl. i'm not saying i'm not excited about having someone new in the house, i'm... uhhhh... reserved. i've lived with chris for SO LONG now. chris and nobody else. i've learned everything about how he bumbles around the house and what habits he partakes in and what things he does and doesn't like.... i don't want to have to learn that about anybody else. not right now anyways.


i think the most special thing that has come out of all of this is my sense of freedom. i feel so comfortable and free to be me and love everything and everyone i want without fear of scrutiny. i can go and hang out with pow pow all i want without having to worry about what shape of argument i will have when i get home. i can listen to gogol bordello exceedingly loud for the fifth time in one day without having a judgmental gaze cast upon me. i can do what i want now. i am free to be danie and do what i want. i feel so free and so happy at this moment and it's all thanks to the horror that is called a 'divorce.'



thank you divorce gods, for making my live better and happier than i imagined it could be.

friends only
littering your mind
starbutcher
due to potential confidentiality breeches and possible stalkers my journal has been made friends only... please comment if you cannae read all the glory inside and want to...

heart,
dan

28: What do you wish you had started to learn as a kid?
face
starbutcher
mmm... i think it would have been nice if i had put more effort into learning a second language. like, i can understand spanish when it's spoken to me but i can't speak it for the life of me. that's what i really wish.

parts of me wish that i had put more effort into learning an instrument, but i would rather just live in the glory of being able to play the two most beautiful songs in the world on guitar.

27: What about being a child do you miss the most?
face
starbutcher


for me,the thing that was most special about being a child was the complete innocence.

you just live in this magical world where everything is taken care of for you and you don't have to worry about anything beyond what piece of playground equipment you are going to play on during recess. i miss that. the innocence and ignorant bliss i was able to live in as a child.

i'm not saying i don't heart being a grown-up, but sometimes it would be so nice to just be able to ring someone in my family after a metaphorical skinned knee and have them fix it for me. have them hold me and tell me it will all be okay and would i like an ice lolly?

that's what danie wants right now. to feel small again. to feel small and be taken care of.

eet
face
starbutcher
List 10 musical artists you like, in no specific order (do this before reading the questions below)!

1. magnetic fields
2. andrew jackson jihad
3. concertina turner
4. regina spektor
5. new found glory
6. marilyn manson
7. richard cheese
8. the ataris
9. gogol bordello
10. ali pow3rs


-What was the first song you ever heard by 6?
'lunchbox. '

-What is your favourite song of 8?
ohhh... i'd have to say 'i remember you'

-What kind of impact has 1 left on your life?
they have completely changed my love of music... they are the single most amazingly beautiful band on the planet.

-What is your favourite lyric of 5?
'Remember the time we wrote our names upon the wall'

-How many times have you seen 4 live?
none, but i plan to this next year...

-What is your favourite song by 7?
oh god... i think i have to go with 'down with the sickness.' it's classic.

-Is there any song by 3 that makes you sad?
all of them make me sad and happy at the same time. if i HAD to name one it would be 'the pirate song' purely because that was the song that jerry and i really synced together in. he and i were closest when we played this song.

-What is your favourite song by 9?
oh god... um... 'american wedding' or '60 revolutions'

-When did you first get into 1?
about two years ago... christopher had been listening to them for ages and kept telling me i'd like them but i refused to until i heard '100,000 fireflies' and fell in love.

-What is your favourite song by 4?
'samson'

-How many times have you seen 9 live?
four!! yay!

-Is there a song by 2 that makes you sad?
'fly my ass' does... it's just so beautiful.

-What is your favourite song of 1?
oh jesus... i'd have to say 'epitaph for my heart.' if you haven't heard it, go fucking listen to it right now. it is unbelievable.

-How did you become a fan of 10?
the instant i heard him singing in my lounge five years ago.

i heart things tuesday... early or never!
face
starbutcher
this sign from burger king... that's the number one thing i heart this week. i spied it whilst i was waiting for alastair to finish in the toilet and fell immediately in love with it and it's specially uplifting wording. i heart the idea of being "today's special"

other things i heart...

danish, ashley, zombieland, chevy, buttons, the broken family band, popping my joints, web cams, songs with magical lyrics, getting a new mobile, sleeping, being cuddled up in bed with my blankets and a good book, seeing my consultant, hannah, letters from lee lee, being off work, when dates with alastair actually come through...

meh, that's it.




so nice, so smart
bitches
starbutcher

another tuesday and another week gone... it's been nearly three weeks and it feels like three years. i'm tired, worn out and feel more terrible every day. i never, ever thought that it would feel like this... like every day i was losing another part of me. today it was my will to fight. i have no energy anymore...

but i shall make a list, i need to make sure i try and keep something positive in my life... keep focusing on the small glimmers in the mud that has filled my world.

i heart...

  • talking about my problems with health professionals... work has been really supportive of the junk i've been going through and with the aim of finding better ways to support me they have referred me to the Occupational Health Department of our Trust. the referral was actually made in August, but it took that long for them to get me in... since my appointment i have gotten 'better' and then fallen apart. walking to my appointment yesterday i was pensive... unsure of what they would want to talk about and what they would suggest. after ambling around the new wings of the hospital for ages trying to find where my appointment was meant to take place i finally found it and sat down. sat and felt like everyone was staring at me... knew that i was some dishevelled creature that was likely to fall apart at any moment. i was called into the office and she was lovely. asked how my physical health was (okay), how work was (bearable) and then asked how my home life was... i paused... instantly became weepy and said that i was going to cry. i find it easier to warn people that i'm going to cry than to just burst out with it. she listened as i told her i was getting a divorce and that i felt like my life was falling apart. listened patiently as i told her my depression was worse every day and that i was thinking morbid thoughts again. listened as i told her that i had no appetite or desire to anything at all anymore. she asked how work was and i told her it was okay bar satankim. in the end she said that it wasn't going to be easy (!) but i would get through it in time and that she was pleased to see that i was still going to work. i have an appointment with my consultant monday which i am looking forward to... Miss Occupational Health said she thinks the doctor will put me on stronger anti-depressants, but that i should keep going to work and take more breaks if i need them. keep my mind occupied.
  • magnetic fields... no music in the world makes me happier than them. i literally cannot get enough of them at the moment. all i want to do constantly is listen to their lyrics and remember feeling the things their lyrics say.
  • cupcakes... again with the cupcakes! i have had an order for 100 cupcakes, paid. i was reluctant to take the offer at first but decided preoccupying my mind would be the best thing for me. i baked a batch of my finest confections sunday and marched to a pub in town to meet up with the patrons so they could try them. needless to say, they loved them, so we drew up a plan for what would come to be the 100 cakes that will be served at their wedding. i am incredibly excited to make these... they will be so beautiful... photos WILL occur AND blow your mind.
  • david sedaris... so, despite my allegiance to mister burroughs, i have now read all of his memoirs, so i was forced to read someone else's. luckily i chose someone who is fairly similar.... not GREAT, but similar. he writes very witty, fun stories that make me yearn for my own childhood again. what is it with me and gay memoirists?
  • having the bed to myself... oh yes. the best thing to come out of this divorce is the fact that i get the entire bed to myself all night, every night. granted, i do miss having a human-furnace on the particularly cold nights, but i LOVE that i can sprawl anywhere and everyone on the bed.
misc...
watching people's lips move when they play guitar, stand-up comedy, watching lester sing, the smell of fireworks, the new season of Desperate Housewives!, LarryDavid, the broken family band, buckshot soup, banjos, laughing until i cry, daily OM, french accents, my ashbeast, emails from danish...

well, that's me spent... time for a date with my duvet, david sedaris and a megamix.

Lonliness is underrated
face
starbutcher

Nobody said it was going to be easy and I never really estimated that it would be easy… but I had never expected to feel the way I do.

 

The multitude of films I have watched in my lifetime have always depicted a divorce as being this horrible, ugly thing that goes on featuring lots of solicitors, arguments and misery. They were always portrayed as these giant things that left each party completely devastated emotionally and financially.

 

Mine is noticeably lacking.

 

The Butcher Divorce of ’09 will not involve solicitors and really feels okay.

 

I feel like I am living my life at the moment with a fresh existence. People keep telling me, ‘Dan, you seem like you’re in your own little world,’ and I really am. The whole time I’ve been in England I’ve always been part of this existence that was not singular. My existence was part of a duo… now though, I am solo and my world just feels new and special. It sounds silly but I feel almost like a toddler who is experiencing all the parts of everyday life for the first time. All the music I hear, all the places I go, all the smells I whiff… they are new and I am able to experience them in a more liberated and unique way.

 

It all feels very magical… magical and slightly frightening still. Six days on and I still feel like I have a big, fat, wet duvet wrapped around me which is both sheltering me from all external things and providing me with a sense of comfort that is stopping me from doing a great deal of moving.

 

I don’t want to though… at the moment I want to just walk around and experience everything again. Learn about living again.

 

The only part of me that is finding this hard is the fact that I am losing Chris…. Not Husband, but Chris. The person who knows me better than anybody else in the world… the person who I can talk to about anything… I am losing a friendship that I thought we were going to strive not to lose. He is passing up opportunities to hang out with me so he can go out and do things that he refused to do before last Friday. He’s completely changing and I hate it… I hate it because I don’t want to have to change. I want to stay danie and… well… I don’t know. I guess I couldn’t just expect that everything would just go on as normal… there had to come a time when we would become estranged, I just didn’t expect it to be so soon. I expected a bit of grief on his part… a little more tenderness… a little more something.

 

One of the things I was most worried about was losing friends… I am under no illusion that there will be friends that become Chris’s and some that become mine because they have known one of us either longer or better throughout the last five years… I’ve made my peace with the fact that I will most likely not see Mark or Lester very often and have also settled on the fact that I get to keep Powers and Vic as a minimum… the ones I worried about, the big ones are Goncalves, Claire, Mark and Jane. Those are my big four that I was and am worried about. Goncalves has met up with both of us and said that he will not pledge allegiance for either side, which is comforting…

 

We had a stupendous night out Tuesday which saw us seemingly participating in an episode of some smutty docu-drama. Arrival at the pub went through like any other arrival at any other pub… sit, have a fag, and have a pint and chat. When the weather became to bitter we retired to the sofas indoors and became immediately aware of the fact that nearly everyone there was a serial killer, a sex fiend, circus freak or paedophile. The first inkling was a slightly disabled dwarf who I instantaneously fell in love with. He was tiny and wearing a little red tie and I just wanted to cuddle him. In the far corner of the pub we were privy to a fabulous domestic between an elderly man and a young miscreant. Skulking through the entirety of the pub was a gentleman who bore a very uncanny resemblance to Mark ‘chopper’ Reid. He appeared to either want to make an immediate BFF or start a huge fight. He repeatedly bought himself pints (without having finished his last) and dragged his multitude of pound shop bags from his table in the middle of the pub to his designated smoking section outside… I wanted to ask him for his list but john would not allow me to become involved.

 

The piece de resistance of the entire evening was situated directly in front of our line of sight. From the moment we sat down we couldn’t help but notice a particularly amorous couple standing an adjacent table. She was a fairly large female and he was a small, gangly creature who appeared to have just exited either a prison or mental asylum. They were kissing and rubbing like he was about to begin or had just finished a long stay in the army. As the minutes drew on it became more and more vigorous… we ordered food and talked about my impending divorcee status. Just as the food arrived the heavy petting moved up a notch that involved a great deal of skin exposure and breast-grabbing. About halfway through our chips and assorted condiments I glanced up and immediately clutched john’s arm and snorted. I said he needed to look at the lovers now so as to not miss the special moment I had just become a part of. We both looked again to find that the progression led to the only reliable place, which, unfortunately for us, involved his hand down the front of her pants. After about three minutes of serious rubbing and excited back arches the excitement of our chips had worn off and I went to the bar to inform the staff that a snuff film was being acted out in the front of the pub. He was mostly delighted and was only slightly less disappointed to see that they had finished by the time we returned from the bar.

 

If only to add insult to injury, the young Casanova went to the toilet, presumably to have a wank and she left. Literally just walked out of the pub and left her drink. Upon his return, john and I pieced together that perhaps he assumed she had gone to the toilet and therefore waited for a half hour, then walked out with his tail between his legs.

 

I can now safely say that I will be fine going through this divorce as there is no way any divorce, job or illness could be more stressful than what I witnessed that night.

 

I went to the cinema last night, which was nice but awful at the same time. Nice because I got to see Pow Pow and got to have dinner with him and generally hang out. We talked about stuff and how he coped with a similar situation and it really helped me to gain some perspective on what I’m putting myself through. He’s just such a fantastical creature. But the film… OMG the film… we were torn prior to our arrival at the cinema, unsure of what particular emotions we wanted our choice to inflict upon us… in the end, it was a toss up between ‘Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs’ and ‘(500) Days of Summer.’ The only real way to settle this was a coin toss and I won, ‘Cloudy’ it would be… until the instant we got up to the counter Alastair changed his mind and wanted to see ‘(500).’

 

Literally, if you recently have been, are in the middle of or want to break up, don’t watch this film. It was just unbelievable. The film itself was outrageously beautiful and quirky and I fell in love within the first sixty seconds. The soundtrack is perfect. The actors were glorious and the art in it was amazing… but jesus… just the raw, horrid emotion that it trudges up left both of us in tears by the end. I was particularly bad when ‘At Last’ played, leaving me in a giant puddle of weep. Alastair immediately recognised this as the song I walked down the aisle to and gave me a cheeky arm rub.

 

Walking out I said it was a mistake to watch that film and he said he didn’t think so…. That right now it may not feel okay, but eventually I will come through it and that film really could help.

 

Meh.

 

Going to London this weekend!! I am literally more excited than I have ever been for anything in my life ever. Just getting away would be fine, but I am going to get pampered, tattooed, fed, cuddled, drunked and so much more… I’m going to go to the zoo and cuddle the animals behind the scenes, go to Camden and buy delights, meet someone I’ve only ever really spoken to on the internetz, find the only surviving photobooth in London, go to a cakeshop where I’ll buy and eat many cakes from and watch more telly than anyone ever. I really need this weekend, so… YAY!


you will always be my best friend...
meh
starbutcher
16/09/09

i just can't do this anymore... i feel like there is this constant drain that is sucking the life out of me and i just need that energy so much. i can't afford to lose it.

there are so many things i am terrified of. what if i go through  with all of this and i lose all of my friends? what will i do about money? where will i live?

i am slowing starting to 'nest' or perhaps the better word is 'de-nest'... trying to figure out what i need to do and what my options are.

it started yesterday. after many prods toward calling them, i did. i was terrified when they answered. none of the websites tell you how to approach it or what to say...

my voice immediately trembled and i wanted to hang up... wanted to just pretend i had never called. instrad, i told them i didn't know what to say and that i needed help.

he listened and suggested i ring someone else... gave me another number to ring.

i rang the number and repeated what i had said to the other person... she said i'd have to come in and get my advice. my first instinct was to tell her 'thanks, but no thanks.' i didn't want this to last any longer than a five-, maybe ten-minute phone call. i wasn't ready to have to bathe, get dressed and go allow someone to see my puffy, weepy face. not unless that someone was going to be willing to meet my high emotional demands alongside providing me with the essential information i was requesting.

as luck would have it, once i had finished my speil, the woman placed me on hold and returned to advise me that i did not need to come in and i was completely safe and had nothing to worry about.

the instant i put the phone down it began. i sobbed like i have never sobbed before. i wailed an cried until the sleeves of my robe were almost completely soaked through. i have no idea why i was sobbing... i just kept on.

******************************************************************************

three days later and here i am... alone, but not alone. after a lot of arguments yesterday just came over as a wave of calm and we sat together and talked. talked like normal people... he said he loved me still but wanted to feel loved in return. said that he could look past a lot of things but he needed to feel loved back. i told him i have no energy for that. i have become this independent, slightly selfish creature that really shouldn't be in a relationship anymore. he nodded and i immediately felt lost. felt like i had been transported into some strange house and didn't know what to do.

we discussed what we would do... how we would work this out... the entire time just feeling lost. quite scared and lonely. i wanted to run away, i wanted to lie down, i wanted to have a cuddle, i wanted to take a bath. we would keep living together as long as it felt right. he'd move to the other bedroom and we'd watch telly together tonight.

nobody tells you how it's meant to work... what you're meant to do. he had his right off within twenty minutes and was on the phone asking his parents for money. i knew at that instant that i had to be out of the house. i couldn't deal with hearing that. i wasn't quite ready.

i called hannah and packed a bag. her and dave came to get me and i just cried. it's like any other ability or coping mechanism i had learned throughout my lifetime had been stripped away and all i remembered was how to cry.

the instant i arrived at hannah's i began to chain smoke. that seemed like the only option for the evening. crying and chain smoking. in the middle of my third fag i got a terrible sense of awful in my stomach. my 'friend hat' came on and i felt horrible for leaving him alone. knew that i wouldn't want to be alone, so why should i force him to be alone?

after a great deal of apologising to han and dave, i called a taxi and went to the shop to get a snack. i hate that i am probably the only person that knows what things he loves to eat when he's in a snacking mood.

the taxi delivered me home and i gave him his tasty treats... a diet coke and a star bar. we watched telly and talked. just talked like friends. talked about when we would get a divorce and how we wanted to go about it... talked about what things we would want to take when we did finally decide to move out. it was calm, constructive and overall okay.

when bed time came he went into his room and cried. that's the one thing i was most terrified to hear. i HATE hearing him cry. i HATE it when he's hurting so much that he cries. i went in and held him. told him we'll be okay. that this will be the best for both of us eventually.

and here we are today. i feel horrible and broken and really, unbelievably empty. nobody could ever prepare you for this feeling. it is like i'm in the ocean and i have been pulled under by a giant wave. the pressure and fear and pain is so unbelievable. i have never felt pain like this before in my entire life. no amount of tattoos, of wisdom teeth extractions, stretched ears or cut knees could ever EVER add up to this.... nothing.

here's hoping it all works out okay and i make it through this. right now it really doesn't feel like i will.

It's Tuesday... Meh
meh
starbutcher
Despite many, many horrific days over the last week or so, i need to do this. it has been a week of constant emotional poo-poo and mygod it has taken almost everything inside of me to get through it. finding things i heart is not an easy task at the moment. let's just push this boat out and see what the waters are like...

  • having the house to myself! yeah. husband is away for a few days, so i've had the house to myself. it's just lovely to be able to exist in the house alone and not have to worry about someone coming in and interrupting my fifth film of the day in my pants or something like that. alas, he returns tomorrow, which should be fun or horrific. mostly horrific i reckon.
  • hannah! she is just the most fabulous, lovely, supportive friend i could ever have at the moment. she gives cuddles that allow me to shut out the rest of the world and really just tells me how it is. i loves her so mucho.
  • the amount of emails i've been getting about my creations! literally, i get like three a day from people just telling me how great i am. it really is just so uplifting and helpful, especially when i've been having such a downer lately.
  • movie dates! yesterday was just what i needed. alastair and i went to lunchies and despite original plans, got to spend the evening together with my homemade brownies (!), bacon sandwiches, chocolate milk (banana for him), talk of what we'd do with our lotto winnings, an array of films and my alastair. i just love days when i can slug around and not have to feel any kind of emotional crap... just sit and eat and drink. the day was made especially special because we had a series of fabulous conversations that really put my mind where it needed to be and made it possible for me to joke about some of the things that i've been going through. it was either that or cry... which i try to keep from doing.
  • going to bed earlier than anyone ever! every so often i love to get a sneaky early night in... and when i say 'early night,' i mean like, half eight. i love to just get myself nestled into bed with a book and my DS and snuggle in bed until i can barely keep my eyes open (ETA: 9:00pm)
  • getting letters from lee lee! i HATED seeing him go. i loves him so much and the night i told him i'd stand by him no matter what he decided to do, i honestly didn't believe he would run away to Cambridge and leave me behind. alas, he has been gone for almost two months and the piece of my heart that went missing when he left is being re-built via post. i sent him my first letter a few weeks ago and got his at the end of last week... i sent him another letter today which i am more excited than anything ever for him to receive as i spent a VERY long time drawing up the letter and envelope.
  • Eleanor! eleanor is a creature that i met at a cinema date with jaacq and pow pow. she is made up of beautiful hairs and a long neck. she moved to London yesterday to pursue fashion studies and i HATE that we only met like, three weeks before she left as she is a really, incredibly lovely person. i plan to visit her during my next janeyvisit (which takes place in two weeks!!). she is in love with baking like me and wants to learn my tips as i do hers. gah she is just a big, beautiful lovely that i wish i had met sooner. it seems like a lot of those creatures are coming in and out of my life lately.
Misc!!
Peep Show, Matthew Perry, gold leaf tobacco, listening to people breathe, the smell of american money, crime scene photos, broken family band, westons vintage cider, sassy lesbians, scottish accents, photos of my mum, getting away with not doing work on work's time, smiling at people on the street, dymo machines, when i meet someone who loves henry rollins as much as me, being able to tick things off of a to-do list








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